Finding Us
by haleighmadison2002
Summary: Clary Fray and Jace Herondale have been best friends forever. From diapers to taking baths together, they've been through thick and thin. Which was why when Clary gets into a car accident with her brother and causes his death, she went to Jace to get rid of her suicidal thoughts. And he did, just not in the way she hoped.
1. Chapter 1

I've always wondered what death felt like. I've thought about the moment I would die, whether it be in 80 years or five. When I was younger, every new place I'd go I'd imagine what way I could die. Like this one time I went to thisconcert and above  
there was this thing hanging over the stage, I had imagined a guy taking me up there and throwing me off.

Death fascinated me, and now because of me, my brother is dead. Ironic, isn't it?

There's another thing that I think about more than I should: my best friend. I met Jace Herondale before I could remember. He's just always been moms took this picture of us at one of our play dates, I was in my brother,Jon's lap and beside us Jace  
was grinning at the camera. I was pulling his hair. It was a quite amusing photo, before the accident. Now it's just a reminder of what was. 

So maybe I should start with that night, that god awful night.

* * *

"Clarissa! Hurry up!" I huff at the sound of Jace's voice, slipping on the heels that Izzy picked out for me and fluffing my hair up a bit. I walked slowly down the stairs, just to piss Jace off even more. Jace sighed in relief whenhe saw me and  
wrapped his arm around my shoulders before "guiding" me out the door. "We're late."

I smirk at him, sliding from under his arm and jumping into his jeep. "We're always late." Jace laughed. He turned on his stereo, and turned it up loud. I looked out the window, seeing the street lights passing by. It wasn't longbefore we arrived  
at the party, the street wascrowded with cars and the house boomed with laughter and music. It was Magnus Bane's party, only he could throw such a success and all of itfor his cat.

We walked into the house with no problem, but once we got inside we found we had to hold hands so we wouldn't lose each other. That is until we found our real friends, down in the basement that was off limits to most. Maureen, a freshmengirl and  
Jordan, a scary senior guy were guarding the door to the basement. Downstairs there were beanbags, the best alcohol and a pool table. Jace went to the pool table and I sat by Izzy in a beanbag. We talked, it was fun.

But then it wasn't.

Magnus gathered everyone by the beanbags and decided a little game of truth or dare would be fun. The only thing was that it was drink or dare, so if you didn't want to do the dare you had to take a shot. I knew immediately I was not going

to have fun.

Izzy was first. "Okay give Simon a lap dance!" Magnus suggested and Alec gagged. She did it though, left Simon drooling and probably in pain trying to hide a boner, but she did it. Then it was Alec's turn, and he had to kiss the hottest

person in the room. He kissed Magnus, left Alec in a blushing mess when Magnus kissed back. Then it was Jace.

Jace and I were dared to do seven minutes of heaven in the closet. Such a cliche, but once they set the timer we did go into the closet. "I don't know what they expect..." I whispered to Jace, looking up at him and the closet began

to feel incredibly small.

Jace moved impossibly closer and looked down at me. "They expect me to kiss you," Jace paused and grabbed my hand. "Can I kiss you?" He asked, he sounded so vulnerable and I couldn't help but find myself nodding. He leaned further

down and his mouth barely touched mine but it set me on fire. Then I kissed him back and it felt like a dream. I didn't know what was happening around me, except that Jace's lips were there touching mine. Then I became aware of his hands on my hips,and  
of the wall on my back. Jace pulled away and stared at me for a moment before furrowing his brows. "Did we just?" I nod.

I hear Izzy yell that we could come out and I tumbled out, feeling like I was suffocating. I ignored their stares and walked up the stairs two at a time. I mumbled a goodbyeto Jordan and heard someone scream my name but it was

drowned out by the music. I got lost in the crowd but somehow made my way outside. I had only been there for two hoursbut I called my brother to come get me at a gas station a few minutes walk from Magnus's house. I couldn't stay, not when Jacewould  
be making his way out of the house any minute now.

So I began walking, hummingto a song in my head. I didn't know minutes later my brother would be dead. I didn't know just minutes later I'd wish I had died with him. I didn't know minutes later Jace would find Jon and I, in ourflipped car. I wish  
I had never called him or gone to that stupid party.

Once I made it to the gas station, Jon was already there, wiping away the tiredness from his eyes. I climbed into the passenger seat, pulling on my seat belt. "Thanks Jon" I mumble and he nods, pulling out of the parking lot.

I returned to my staring out of the window, I tune out so much that it's too late when I realize that a truckwas coming for us, Jon's side. I closed my eyes and the next moment I opened them, I was staring at Jon's eyes. Hiseyes that weren't blinking,  
I realized he was dead. All I could smell was gasoline and blood. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling my face dampen with my tears. "Clary, you have to let go." I felt Jace tugging at me, and I shook my head,holding on tighter. Jace wrapped  
his arms around my waist and pulled. Hard. I screamed as he tore me away from him and he ran away. I clawed at his chest, but then the car blew up, with Jon in it. I hit Jace's chest.

Again

And again

And again.

I weakened around him and he held me up, holding my head to his chest as I sobbed into it. That's when I heard sirens and everything went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

I stretched inmy bed, scratching my head lightly while yawning. I kind of looked like Ana from Frozen, you know minus the drool. I only registered the beeping after I opened my eyes and was blinded by white light.  
My mom was sitting in a chair on my left, drawing. Luke was standing in the doorway, talking to some doctor and Jace was laying his head on the hospital bed while he sat in a chair on my right side. I reached up and ran my hand through his curls.

He jumped awake and I giggled. Then everyone noticed I was awake and they stared at me. "What? What happened?" My mom frowned and glanced at Luke. "Where's Jon?" I asked and Jace began to look sick.

"Clary-" After Jace said my name it all came rushing back to me. The kiss. The crash. Jon's dead eyes. Jace saving me. The explosion. I closed my eyes tight as I felt a wave of nausea hit me when I remembered the smell  
of blood and gas intermingling. Jace grabbed my hand and I leaned over the left side of the bed. I looked for the closest trash can, ripping my hand from Jace's and spewing my guts.

At that moment the doctor decided to come in.

* * *

The doctor had just come in to tell us that there was nothing physically wrong with me, and that I could go home but he suggested I see a therapist because of what just happened to me. It was a long 20 minutes of things I pretty much  
already knew and then an even longer 30 minutes after of my mom asking me if I was okay while Luke did the paper work. I knew Mom was going to go home tonight and cry in Luke's arms because of me. I knew Mom was going to paint, driving herself deep  
into her work so that she wouldn't think of her dead child that was killed by her other one.

I knew Luke was going to work longer shifts at the bookstore, and get more involved in my mom's life. He'd go to her gallery every night at 6 and give her takis, he'd try to talk to her for hours and then drop off takis for me before  
going to sleep.

I knew even in that hospital that everything would change. I knew that my house would become even more lonely and going to school would feel like taking the world on my back. I knew it'd all be my fault. I knew Jace would try to crowd  
me for a week after, but once I pushed him away one too many times he would stop. He'd become a player, driving himself into girls. Literally. I knew I'd have to hear their moans even from next door and I knew that even when he didn't have a girl  
there he would playing his music loudly. He'd try to drown out the thoughts in his head about me.

And I was right. Well almost, Jace crowded me for two weeks after but then he stopped and did exactly what I thought. We got into this huge fight before he stopped.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed, staring at my ceiling numbly. Jace was tapping his fingers against my desk while staring at a drawing on my desk. The drawing was of Jace, Jon and I. "Are you okay?" He asked and I just snapped. I sat up fast  
enough to give my whiplash and glared at him.

"I'm not okay! Clearly I am not okay and I am tired of hearing that fücking question!" Jace stared at me with a mix of pity and fear. I stood up from my bed and began tearing my drawings off the walls. Jace told me to stop, at one  
point he even stood up to hold me back but I got loose and I went after the drawing on my desk. I tore it to pieces.

"Clary!" I remember hearing Jace yell, and only that brought me back. It made me realize I was crying and so was Jace. He was holding the torn up pieces of the drawing from the ground. He picked up the pieces and I felt my heart shatter.

"Leave." Jace stared at me in surprise. "Are you deaf? I said leave!" I shoved him out of my room and slammed my door on his face. He banged against it, yelling my name over and over.

"Clary, if I leave, I won't come back. Please open the door. Please," Jace pleaded with me. I listened through the door and made a move to the handle, but then pulled away and laid on my bed. I stuffed my head in my pillow as  
I heard his footsteps leave. Once I heard him leave my house, I sobbed. The first time I had cried since that night.

* * *

It wasn't exactly like it wasn't expected. It just hurt. It hurt to listen to him sleep with every girl in high school. It hurt to listen to my heart break for hour after hearing every girl scream his name. It was my fault too, I pushed  
him away. I told him to leave. If he got aids it was probably my fault as well. Maybe another guy I love will die because of me.

And that leads us to today. I am standing in front of Jace's door, giving myself one last chance before I make myself go to hell. 


	3. Chapter 3

Now that we're back to real world, let me tell you what's going on. Basically it's 2 in the morning and I'm in front of Jace's bedroom door. This is the first night in weeks he hasn't had a girl over or hasn't been blasting his musicso loud God  
could hear. My hands are shaking and I've been standing here for two minutes.

Anyway, so I knock on the door and I hear Jace groan and start to get up. It takes exactly 22 seconds for him to open the door and begin gaping at me. After 5 seconds, he stops gaping and begins to glare. "What do you want?" I shove

my way into his room and begin to pace. My hands are still shaking.

"I've been thinking this over for the last week," I finally turn to look at Jace and he's starinh at me like I'm insane. Good. "This is my last chance Jace. If after this visit with you doesn't make me stop thinking about suicide thenwell," I gulp  
and wait for Jace to realize what I'm saying.

Jace shakes his head after a minute and breathes in. "I don't know how the hell you're supposed to make me stop thinking about it but Simon would panic too much and call Luke and Izzy wouldn't say the right things." I ramble and Jacefinally stops  
me by hugging me.

"You want me to save you," Jace whispered. "But what am I saving you from?" He leaned back a bit and laid his hand on my cheek, tilting my head to look at him more. "What's going on in the head of yours Clary? Is everything too much?"I shook my  
head.

"That's just it." I close my eyes. "There's nothing at all. I feel nothing at all. It's like a numbness that spreads throughout me and there's nothing I can do about it. I push everyone away, I sit in my room and stare at walls. Ifeel like I'm dead  
already." I pause and open my eyes. "Like I died with Jon in that car."

Jace was silent for a moment. "You want to feel something?" I nodded my head. "When you shut me out, I was desperate to feel something yet nothing at all. There was only two things that made me feel: fighting," Jace leaned his

head down, and ran his nose against my jaw. "And that."

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. So I stayed there, and Jace pulled back. He was looking for some kind of reaction, but I had none. I didn't know if I wanted to yell at him for trying to make me one of thosegirls or screw him  
in hopes of feeling something. So I asked him a question: "Why does screwing girls make you feel something?" Jace bit the inside of his cheek and looked at the ground.

"Because I always want them to be you." He mumbled so lightly I'm surprised I even heard it. "Every single time it's not their name that I call out, when I do make the accident of saying anything at all." Ifelt my heart slamming in my chest.

I laughed and leaned my head against his chest. "That's a bit mean." I chuckle once again before pulling back. "Show me?" It takes me a few minutes to ask. He nodded and kissed me once, it was pulled away so quickly. I pulled him back down  
to my lips harder. His arms wrap around me and he begins to walk back to his bed. He sits down, with our heads level, and pulls me between his legs. His fingers play with the hem of my t-shirt beforeslipping under and rubbing against the bare  
skin of my back. Meanwhile we kiss, and his tongue envelops my own.

We fight for dominance, and then he begins kissing away from my mouth and down to my neck. I sigh just as he finds a particularly sensitive spot and he pulls me closer. His hands are on my stomach, dancing over it lightly sending shivers

down my spine. I move my fingers into his hair, pulling on the curls.

He moves away from my neck and looks me in the eyes. "Are you sure about this?" I nod and go for the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it above his head. I don't wait long before kissing him again and letting my own fingers feel

around his abs. I then pull off my own shirt, and I thank myself for choosing to wear abralet instead of a sports bra. Jace stands up and somehow gets me on the bed, and I swear if I tried to describe how it would just confuse you.

He then hovers above me and his hands move up my sides. Jace pulls off my shoes and begins to pull down my shorts. When he returns to kiss me I mess with his belt buckle and let my feet push his pants down. He runs his lips down my

jaw, my neck and kisses down the panel between my breasts. Jace kisses down my stomach and I shiver.

Then just as I begin to feel hazy with hormones, Jace crawls off the bed and shakes his head. "No. No I won't do this. Not when you're grieving and only looking for a distraction or to feel something." I feel a pang in my

chest. Everything tells me to yell at him, to fight him but I've stopped fighting. I'm done fighting everyone. I sit up and pull on my shorts, and then my t-shirt. I grab my shoes and move to the door.

Right as I'm about to open it, Jace's hand on it slams it shut. I feel him breathing on the back of my neck. "Just because I won't do **that** withyou doesn't mean I'm leaving you alone." I turn around, a grimaceon my face. "I'm not losing  
you Clary. Do you know what would happen if you die? If you think your mom is bad now, then she'll be ten times worse after losing you. Simon will probably shut off his feelings around people and cry in his room alonein the dark. Izzy will be  
numb, she won't feel a damn thing notafter losing Max and Magnus won't be the same, they'll probably fight a lot too. And me? I would go out of my mind if I lost you."

I only realize my face was wet when Jace wiped away my tears. "That's funny," I paused and shoved Jace away. "Because you already did."


	4. Chapter 4

At first I thoughtthe worst thing about going back to school would bethe stares, I was wrong. It wasn't the "sly" looks people tried to give or even those who told me they were "sorry"

No it was the pep rally they had for my brother. They made me sit on the stage as they honored my brother. His killer on the stage of where they were trying to do good by him. They even made me give a speech, which they said it was  
okay that it wasn't planned and I should just wing it. Gee, thanks Principal Aldertree.

I remember walking up to the podium, and being thankful for the blinding and warm light on my face. "Hey," I said first, and the auditorium was silent. "I wasn't exactly prepared to give a speech about my brother and his death.  
In fact I was prepared to walk through these halls with my head down. My brother, Jon, he was the best guy I have ever met. He was captain of the football and lacrosseteam, he was nice to everyone, he had perfect grades. I know that Jon will  
continue to watch us, protect us and maybe give us a bit of luck. I know that we will always remember him, not as the guy who died but as one of the greatest guys we have all known. That's all I have to say, excuse me."

Once I finished the speech, I dashed off the stage and ran to the girl's bathroom. I puked my guts out and after whichI sobbed. Izzy came in, she sat outside the cubicle and asked multiple times for me to open it,  
but I never did. She left after the bell rang. I sat there for ten more minutes. I walked out and stared at the mirror for a moment.

When I was about to clean my face, I heard the bathroom door bust open and a light pound. I heard gasps and kissing noises. I turned to see a petite girl with brunettehair being pushed up against the bathroom wall.  
I coughed. Jace turned to me, gapping and I smiled. "Go to the guy's bathroom please, I'm sure it's less occupied." When Jace made no move to leave I grabbed a paper towel and wet it, washing my face. When I was finished he still didn't move. I passed  
by the two and walked out.

I heard the door open and Jace call out to me. I ignored it. He ran in front of me and I rolled my eyes. "Go back to the girl in there Jace. I'm sure she's very frustrated you stopped making out with her already."

"You really think I'd screw some girl I barely knew after I saw you like that?" Jace asked hurt. "Wow and I thought you considered me a good friend."

I scoffed. "I haven't considered you a friend since that party." Jace's eyes flashed with pain. "And no even if I did, you would be a horrible friend."

"Wha-?" Jace asked confusedly and I felt anger rush through me.

"You left me! Alone! I sat in my room for weeks staring at walls and listening to you fućkevery girl in the school! I laid in my bed considering taking my own life every night while you got off on some girl! You never  
cared about me!"

"You pushed me away," Jace defended himself.

"Exactly! I was pushing you away so you would be the last thing on my mind when I wanted to do something about the pain!"

"And that didn't work out very well now did it?" He replied snarkily and I looked at him with disgust.

"I hate you." Jace's face of anger. "I hate you so much. I hate you so much that there is only one person I hate more, me." I pushed Jace aside and walked down the hall. I only looked back as I aas turning  
into another hall, and the scene I saw almost broke my heart. Jace was on his knees, holding his head in his hands and he punched the ground.

I kept walking.


	5. Chapter 5

I got through the school day with no more encounters with Jace. Just a bunch of people telling me they're "sorry" and that Jon was a great student or guy. I remember going to the bathroom between classes and taking some  
meds. Way more than prescribed.

But I didn't remember getting up to the roof of the school. I didn't remember the crowd that was building around the bottom of the school. I didn't remember Jace following me up the roof. I just remember standing on the  
ledge, with the medicine beginning to take effect. I felt like a butterfly, like if I jumped nothing bad would happen. Like I'd just seen Jon again.

But then I began remembering the fire, the smell and Jon's dead eyes. I didn't stay on the ledge because of the daziness but the guilt.

And then I woke up. 

* * *

I wasn't on a ledge, I didn't do some speech in front of the entire school, I didn't break Jace's heart. I was in my bedroom, and my phone was going off. It was my mom, so I answered quickly. I groggily said "Hello?" And I  
heard my mom's steady breathing on the other side.

"I'm coming home, okay? And we are going to have a movie marathon and I'm bringing 3 tubs of ice cream." I sighed happily and laughed.

"Okay," I paused, looking through my window at Jace's. "Mom? I just want to let you know that I love you." We said our goodbyes and I stared up at my ceiling for a moment.

My dream was so vivid, so heartbreaking and so realistic. But for the first time in what felt like forever, I was excited for something. So I got out of bed, and walked downstairs. I got out the largest bowl and two packs of  
popcorn. I cooked them and added sugar, while humming Gives You Hell. At one point I began singing it and Mom walked in.

She put the popcorn in the bowls and nodded at me. "Why don't you go choose the movie?" I smiled and walked out of the kitchen, I found the box will all of our movies. I began looking through them easily and grinned  
when I found the perfect one. I put it in and waited for mom.

She made two trips, one to give me the bowl and the other to grab our coffee. Yes, coffee. She handed me mine just the way I like it, black and sat down on the couch beside me. I leaned my head on her shoulder as it began to play  
and she laughed at my choice.

"Star Wars? Really? Simon isn't here you know." She laughed at me and then the doorbell rang. I stood up and open the door, which Luke was standing outside of with Simon right behind him. I let them in and again cuddled  
into Mom's side. This all felt so different without Jon, like we would always be missing something. But as the movie went on, I began to realize as I thought about the comments Jon would make through the movie that he wasn't really missing. I mean  
physically, yes he wasn't with us but his essence, his kindness and his sarcasm would never leave my mind. I don't think Jon would have wanted me to hate myself either, but that doesn't make my mistake any less.

Once the movie finished and the guy pumped his fist into the air, we popped in another movie. In the middle of which, Izzy and Magnus came over. 

* * *

"You did what?" Alec hissed at Jace as they through the football back and forth.

"Clary and I made out and-" Jace began to repeat and Alec shook his head.

"I heard what you said but how could you do something so stupid?! She lost her brother two weeks ago Jace! Not her cat, not even her great aunt or something, her freaking brother. The brother that was one of your best friends  
might I add." Alec ranted, chiding Jace for his stupidity. "I don't care how in love with her you are, you don't do that!"

"In love with her? You've got to be kidding me." Jace scoffed, trying to act cool when he was quite the opposite.

"Stop pretending. I know you're in love with her, and I know that you know that." Alec fussed and threw the ball at him hard. Jace caught it loosely and laughed.

"Nice throw. How long have you known?" Jace ended up saying after he threw it back.

Alec caught the ball easily and walked closer to Jace. "Since the moment I saw you taping that drawing back together like it was your life line that was torn to shreads." Jace's tough demeanor vanished and he looked over  
at Clary's bedroom window. "I've always kind of thought you might have liked her though. You and her were like magnets, nothing tore you apart."

Jace returned his gaze back to Alec. "Except this." Alec shook his head.

"If you have two magnets, both shaped like a rectangular prism, there are sides that repel and sides that attract. Before you both were attachedto the friend side, then you were repelling each other. And by the looks of  
last night, you wereattracting each other and not in the platonic way." Alec paused and grabbed Jace's arm. "You gotta quit with the girls dude. If you want even the slightest chance with Clary, you have to give her time to heal and  
she's not going to heal if she hears you going at it with some blonde bimbo." Jace nodded and stole the football from him, smiling.

"You had it last week," Jace held the football up in his hands. "It's my week to give me luck fromJon."


End file.
